Writing this is pretty difficult because you are basically admitting to the world that you do not know how to pray. Well, it’s not really that I do not know how to pray, but more like, I feel that my prayers, or my mode of praying is becoming too tedious, too monotonous. It starts the same way, and ends the same way. Sometimes, I wonder if the big man upstairs is not bored stiff.
Maybe it’s just me, but have you ever felt that you are not doing enough, that you’re prayers are not conveying the way you feel? Like, you can’t adequately express your feeling in words. How do you start it? Do you do the traditional “in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit” and then start praying? Does it have to be so formal? Can’t I just gist with Him? Is there a canonical law against that?
Growing up, we’ve always prayed a certain way – sing some songs and then recite the prayer. I say recite because everybody says the same thing all the time. The only thing that may change is the favour you’re seeking at that time. With this background, I guess I’m not surprised that, even now, I find it difficult deviating from what I’ve been taught to be the norm.
Another thing that I often ponder is when people say praising and worshipping God is same as praying to God. How does this work? There was a time that I decided to just praise God and not recite any prayer, but I didn’t know how to start, and how it was supposed to end. I actually said a little prayer and started praising God. After singing some songs, I did the sign of the cross and said Amen. But within me, I felt as if I hadn’t prayed at all.
I’ve always desired a very close relationship with God. I want to be that lady that is brimming with scriptures as she’s praying. In fact, I admire people who are able to interpose scriptures between praises and prayers. I look at them and wonder how they got to learn all these scriptures.
Some years back I got a bible (very beautiful bible) and I promised myself that I was going to read it all the time. In fact, I also bought a highlighter that I was going to use to mark up my bible just so people know I’m well versed in the scriptures. The problem then became, how do I go about reading it? Do I start from Genesis? Was it the New Testament that those people were quoting? Or should I just close my eyes and open any part of the bible and just read? With laziness playing a big part, I dropped the bible. It often amazes me that I can go through novels in a day but can’t read the bible.
Am I in this alone? Has anybody ever felt this way? How are you able to convey your feelings to God? Can you help a sister out?
PS: Is it wrong to pray while laying on your bed?
PPS: I know this is a deviation from the norm but I felt like I should drop this here. After all, a blog is like a journal/diary, and my faith is a big part of Endi’s World.